how to: trash your closet

A simple, straightforward DIY project. Experience says this look is best achieved gradually over an extended period of time, with the occasional frenzied rummage rampage.

YOU WILL NEED:

-very limited closet space

-more clothes than you can wear

-a plethora of empty shoe boxes

-natural inclination towards a general lack of tidiness (appropriate substitute: laziness)

-an old back-of-door rack, preferably in a color that doesn’t match anything (ok fine, we’ll call it “vintage hardware”)

HOW TO:

1. Hang up everything that doesn’t fit in your dresser. (For this step, I recommend an undersized dresser or one with faulty drawers so you can only use half of them.)

2. When you run out of hangers, layer clothing items on top of each other on a single hanger to ensure you can never find anything. Some pieces may inadvertently fall to the floor–leave them there.

3. Keep shelving well-stocked with treasured items such as old sports trophies and assorted pieces of equipment from your various hobbies (i.e., equestrian helmet, snowboard boots, baseball glove, box of cassette tapes, sea-shell collection).

4. Attach your “vintage hardware” to the inside of a closet door. Camouflage its presence with scarves, winter hats, clutches, and belts, until it’s so heavy that the hooks bend and inhibit your closet door from ever closing. (After all, why would you WANT to hide this masterpiece behind opacity?)

5. Engage in sporadic bouts of digging, flinging, and re-ordering. For example, tear up the top shelf when you can’t find your passport and have reason to believe it might be wedged between two photo albums documenting your 8th grade fieldtrip to Monticello. But that’s just a suggestion.

And voilà! Total disaster. Tune in 1289709375 years from now for the highly over-rated “how to: UNtrash your closet.” Or, just do what I do and get your weird “organization” fix from this blog. Thank you, Nick Cummins.

I’d love to know how this DIY project turns out for you! Comment here with suggestions for improving the process, or better yet, send me a photo of your own results to be featured! I am all about the free circulation of constructive destructive crafts.

P.S. For those who noticed the fur vest hanging demurely amidst the mayhem, IT’S FAUX I SWEAR.

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